Saturday, September 02, 2006

September Message from Senator Tyrone

Message From Senator Tyrone “Moishe” Phipps Han von Vargas,

Republicrat, Massamissimichitexagon

My fellow Americans,

I think it’s time that I spoke out on many important issues facing the people of my state, and of this great nation. Fresh in my memory is that tragic day in 2001 when the thousands of brave men and women of the World Trade Center tried to stop, with almost no hope of success, two planes from destroying them. Those in the Pentagon and in the field in Pennsylvania did better, fortunately, allowing only Saddam Hussein to escape with his life and flee to Iraq.

Two years later, our brave soldiers, sailors, pilots, and administrators put their lives on the line confiscating “weaponized” anthrax near Baghdad, which they immediately destroyed so nobody would be hurt by the production of the Taliban’s evil chemists. Yet, after chasing these Taliban around Iraq for what seems like years, now, all we have to show for it is an elected government, which is not so bad, but far less than the Afghanis deserve. I recently heard that Hussein can’t even drive around outside his house because he might be killed. It’s deplorable that the elected head of the Afghanistani folks can’t even drive a car!

These people are backwards, and that’s America’s real problem over there in Lebanon. Stealing Jews gets people bombed in Lebanon! Now, isn’t that something that’s wrong for stealing Jews in Lebanon? It’s true of us in America when Canada steals regular people in America, but that’s the difference between how we do things here in a free country. Jews are used to this, anyway, so what do the Lebanites think they're doing. I am positive that Old Glory shines o’er the grain when Americans bomb Canada for kidnapping.

There’s some interest in providing an increase in the minimum wage in my state, and even all across the country. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but it ought to be matched by a fiscal plan to reduce hours so that income remains the same. That way, there is no increase in cost, and I believe in that whole heartedly. Otherwise it’s like a new tax, and I campaigned on a no new taxes under God platform, and that’s what I pray for each night at bedtime.

I’d also like to address the rate at which young African-American and youth from Hispaniola are failing school examinations for high school graduation. We have a national obligation to help these disadvantaged and marginalized people, and I am four-square behind my own plan. I propose that we rescale the exam so that there are even bands on the rating scale. Teachers tell me that an “F” is any grade less than 60%. Now why should that be so! Why are the divisions so lopsided? I proposed on the floor of the Senate, and I also introduced a Bill. But what I really want to tell the American public is that a failing grade should be that, and nothing more, and it should be any grade less than 20 so that all the bands are even. The passing rate should dramatically increase when my proposal is enacted into law, and when we couple it with decreased standards, I imagine our passing rate will be the envy of the world.

Finally, I’m appalled by the lack of free speech in this great nation. Our Founding Fathers, like Washington, Jefferson, and Adams gave their lives for our freedoms and so we should at least be willing to exercise them. Note that our Administration never fails to exercise its freedoms. Same with the Court and the Congress. It’s only the folks and the press that don’t, and they should be ashamed of themselves. I, for one, can tell you I love to hear from constituents, and I will talk to any person my chief of staff passes me on to, and that’s how I stay in touch. It’s also a great way to raise funds because I can’t tell you how often the people who get to speak with me also volunteer a contribution. Free speech is one of the things that separates the Land of the Free from the rest, and so is modern thinking and psychology. Let’s combine them and exercise our freedom of speech to express all the positive things we can. By expressing nothing but the positive, others will learn to love us, we will love ourselves, and we will again train the world in the right way to do things…so help me God.

Thank you.


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