If I Were Emperor

I used to think it would be great to be president, but I’m sure I would find it too constraining. Just look at how the Congress treated Bill Clinton. You have to line up when you’re the prez. I could never have stood for it. I would have dragged those nasty little farts out into the House parking lot and tried ‘em on one at a time. And I’d have tossed in “democrat” Zell Miller just for the kind of display that’s supposed to make me look even-handed. Yeah, I’m a sycophant – a progressive sycophant, to be sure… All this leads me to define what I would do if I were emperor of the North American continent (in the week I would serve before being assassinated by practically everyone). It also should effectively end any attempt to draft me for elective office anywhere.


My Policy on Terrorism


I really would like to find a way to get Muslims and other world faiths to meet monthly to issue position papers for their faithful designed to curb acts of violence. But being a practical guy, I would also make it clear that the next time any terrorist group attacks my empire I will throw a dart at a map of the world where their religion is in the majority and I will bomb the capital city of that country until it is flat. If it happens a second time, I will destroy their most important religious capital with a tactical nuclear weapon. Three’s the charm, where I lay waste to every country where they are a majority, thus ridding the world of the religious-based terrorist from that particular community. I’d hate to sacrifice Baton Rouge, but I believe I’m wise enough to make and implement good policies.


My Policy on Assassination


If I can substantiate that a peer ruler, elected or not, is acting in a treacherous manner toward his people, I will order his assassination. If he has an army, I will order a strike on the army. If a peer ruler orders his people or his defense forces to attack ethnically different people in an act of ethnic cleansing, I will wait until the 31st person is cleansed, then I will order his assassination and the execution of the country’s senior military officials for following an immoral order.


My Policy on Welfare


Even the poor have to eat, my friends, so I plan to give a boatload of welfare to people who need it on a variety of levels. Sick people get to see doctors; hungry people get to eat; cold people get clothing; those who want it get shelter. In return, those people do not clutter up public thoroughfares asking for spare change. Those who rant wildly get medicine or asylum housing or both. Just wait until you see my tax plan.


My Policy on Taxation


Nobody earning under $25,000 pays imperial tax. No family earning under $40,000 pays tax. Every person who earns more pays 10% on the overage until they hit $70,000, when it becomes 35%. At $100,000, the rate goes to 50%, and at $300,000, it goes to 75%. That should end the hegemony of the rich, and leave plenty of capital available for schools, teachers, shoes, food, and other cool stuff.


My Policy on Handguns


I get them all. If anyone kills anyone else with a gun, they get killed by the victim’s family any way the family wants to do it. If they can’t do it because they are faint-hearted, then the killer just goes to solitary confinement in the Yukon for exactly 20 years. No TV, no radio, just the classics of literature translated into a readable language. If the prisoner is illiterate, teach him to read first.


My Policy on Drugs


Increase DUIs to a mandatory one year of solitary in the Yukon (as above). As for all other drugs, my empire will decriminalize all of them and distribute them through shops designed for that purpose.


My Policy on a Higher Power


As emperor, I do not recognize any higher power. Nor do I presently recognize one, except for the overhead phone lines.


My Policy on Dopes


Keep sending them to Washington, hoping that I’ll make good on my threat to bomb the capital city of the country where the religious zealots are liable to plan and carry out a terrorist act.